Ok Jena, you motivated me (you may wanna go read hers too, it might make more sense of mine hehe).  Today I’ll share some of my secrets – the things that I’m not comfortable sharing with the world, with total strangers and with my readers in an effort to push the bloggy world into a “real” world where people make mistakes and have confidence issues, where not everything is the perfect picture we all feel comfortable sharing when things go right and the less than perfect picture we keep to ourselves the rest (or majority of) the time. So, my secrets, my fears, my less-than-perfects:

  • I compare myself – even though I’m the world’s hugest promoter of owning yourself and never comparing, I do it too.  I compare myself to other bloggers, other designers, other knitters.  As is the result with most comparisons, I always come out on the bottom when I do this – my pictures aren’t as good, my knitting isn’t as interesting to look at, I don’t have as many readers.  Fuck jealousy.
  • I’m impatient – I know what I want, I know where I want to be and I want to be there right freaking now damnit!  I want to make a career out of my knitting and designing and I want to be working for myself right now and not have this day job where I’m somebody else’s minion.  I should just be enjoying the ride (and I am, really, I just want it to be fast enough to need one of those full-body-harness-seatbelts) Fuck impatience.
  • I don’t think I’m good enough – I critique my own designs, that could have been cooler, I should have added that, why didn’t I change this?  Why can’t I just leave it alone and love the project the way it is? Fuck doubt.
  • I’m afraid of my readers – yes I love you guys and I truly do want you here, but  I’m afraid that you won’t like me, that you don’t think I’m interesting or cool.  I want you to think I’m cool, I think you’re cool and I just wanna fit in. This is probably one of my biggest secret fears fo’ reals, without you guys I’d be talking to myself online and in my kitchen.  Fuck worrying about what other people think.

Whew.  So now it’s written….and hitting publish may be difficult but it’ll be done…I think.  I think it’d be cool if ya’ll participated – we may get a bit closer knowing that we’re all going through the same things, thoughts and complexes…or maybe it’s just me out here all alone…. 😉

2 thoughts on “Secrets

  1. I love it! I try to keep it as real as possible on my blogspace too, but it’s definitely hard. I’m always thinking about what other people think of me and I am the queen of comparing myself to others.

    It’s really hard to share your fears with the world and I admire you for doing it here (plus I kind of like seeing the f-word). For what it’s worth, I think you have amazing designs, you’re an awesome knitter and a pretty cool and inspiring lady 🙂

  2. All those doubts you have are all part of BEING HUMAN. I have ’em too. Always have, always will. As you so eloquently put it, fuck ’em! And don’t worry, I think you’re really cool, especially since you’re brave enough to put your heart right out there in public for the whole world to see.

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